Shadow IS Safety
Shadow is safety? You mean, that scary thing I judge, shame, ignore, avoid, numb? …how?
Indeed. If you lean into your shadow, you can use it as a guide leading you down the road to liberation, true autonomy, and real and lasting safety.
First, it’s helpful to have a better understanding of what shadow even is.
What is Shadow?
Carl Jung coined the phrase in the 1940’s, but it’s used to describe all the abandoned and rejected parts of ourselves we find unacceptable based on emotional wounds and conditioning from primary caregivers, generational patterns and traumas, culture, the time.
It’s often parts of ourselves we’ve hidden and locked away in a secret dungeon room hoping it never gets found, that we never get found out. And keeps you from being seen as you do not wish to be seen to avoid further injury, embarrassment, pain.
But these parts of ourselves have complete control over our lives, and most don’t even realize.
Pixie Lighthorse has a beautiful book called “Goldmining the Shadows” in which she highlights the many forms “shadow” can take to keep us within the confines of the (false) narratives we believe:
“Your shadow may act like an angry beast, sly and tricky, invisible or demanding of attention. It may lash out against too many limits and rules, or it may be flaky. It may use magical thinking to bypass responsibility. It might find you in jail to reinforce the message that you’re not safe to be around others. It may want love at any cost to your body. Your shadow can convince you that you will never be enough so it’s best not to risk failure, rejection, or making a fool of yourself.”
They are the things that ultimately keep us separate, numb, in fear, sad, and playing small.
Until we begin to acknowledge, accept, and work with them.
How Do You Work With Shadow?
Whether you call it slaying your dragons or fighting your demons or shining light on your darkness, acceptance that you have one is a good first step.
As you learn to understand your shadow is not something to continue rejecting and abandoning in yourself, not something you can cut off like a tumor, but instead all the (now, unsavory) ways you learned to survive your life experiences, you begin to develop self-compassion.
Which is also the start at shifting your self-talk from harsh inner-critic, judge, task-master, dictator, boss, lieutenant, perpetual student, saboteur, victim, rebel, to loving inner-parent.
The approach becomes less violent and more tender.
You see the fire breathing dragon fall away, the scary demonic face dissolve, and the massive shadow lurking on the wall behind you disappears. Underneath, all of that is a small, hurt, sad, scared inner child.
The image instead, of you, cowering in the corner, clutching your favorite blanket or teddy bear when you were 2 or 5, feeling rejected, abandoned, and unlovable as you were… Is the same way you feel rejected, abandoned, and unlovable as you are, now.
Except as a child, it was by the words and actions or inactions of others.
And as an adult, it is by your own hand.
Which also means you have the power and choice to heal this for yourself. To reparent you and be everything you wanted and needed, but didn’t receive.
How empowering!
And so you practice compassionate curiosity, honesty, and radical responsibility. While maintaining a level of gentleness and attention to self-care as an imperative need and part of this process.
Get Curious!
Ask yourself things like:
What emotions were unacceptable to feel or express growing up?
What parts of self did I feel I had to dim, hide, or ignore as a child?
How do I react in conflict, disappointment, loss, or other confrontational situations?
In conflict, what does my expression and posture reflect? At what point do I become confused or childlike? Shut down or highly emotional?
What are the common things I say when I’m in a shadow state—to self, out loud to others?
I know xyz are things that would benefit me, but I still avoid them… What are my xyz?
I know abc isn’t great, is harmful to my health and well-being, but I still rationalize doing them… What are my abc?
There are many avenues you can go down with shadow-work, but the biggest thing to remember is this:
You don’t heal by continuing to judge, criticize, shame, avoid, and reject yourself.
Instead, healing and integration happen when you:
Make the unconscious habits/reactions—albeit created with the intention to keep us safe and alive—conscious.
Offer those parts of yourself grace, loving-kindness, forgiveness, compassion.
Consciously choose a way of thinking, relating, living, being that holds healthier pathways to getting your needs met.
And when you feel like giving up, it’s good to remember all the benefits of what shadow work can give you...
Benefits
Sometimes it feels difficult. There’s sadness, grief, resentment, anger, rage that come up to process. Sometimes the feelings are overwhelming. Excruciating.
When you feel like giving up, it’s good to remember all the benefits of what shadow work can give you:
Liberation, lightness, ease
Departure from codependency, addiction, dysfunctional and abusive relationships
Relief and inner peace
Autonomy and sovereignty
Maturity
Empathy and Compassion
Humility
Security and safety
Elevated and expanded perspective
Healthy trigger management and coping skills
Self-understanding and self-intimacy
Healthier relationships and deeper relational intimacy
Greater belonging and connection
HARD TRUTH
The things that bring you short-term relief, and illusions of safety and security, are actually the very things perpetuating your pain.
It’s only by facing and befriending your shadow that you find real liberation from your pain, from the continued disservice and dissatisfaction of your mechanisms, and gain real safety from the inside, out.
No matter what, from here on out, it all starts (and ends) with you.
It might feel scary and difficult, but… YOU are the shadow AND the hero. It’s all you!
